The other day I went to the cinema to see The Wolf of Wall Street. The Wolf of Wall Street was recently nominated for an Academy Award, and stars Leonardo Di Caprio and Jonah Hill. Think Superbad meets The Basketball Diaries but instead of playing basketball Leo is trading in “penny stocks” and ripping people off.
Anyhoo, the film starts with Leo in the future presiding over some dwarves being thrown at a target in an office. Then we flash back to the old days when Leo is slightly younger and starts working at some company on Wall Street and is treated like a dick. Then Matthew McConaughey rolls up and decides that he likes Leo. So they go for lunch together and McConaughey starts hitting his chest and humming and then snorting cocaine at the table. I feel like the scene is intended to be a lot funnier than it was. For one thing, no one likes Matthew McConaughey; he isn’t a good actor and he isn’t funny.
Then Leo loses his job and reads the newspaper with his wife. They can’t find any jobs for Leo but then his wife does this weird thing where the camera becomes her eyes and we pan around the newspaper and find a job. Then Leo turns up at a shitty office and sells loads of “penny stocks” to poor people and no one really cares.
Then Jonah Hill from Superbad shows up. He’s quite funny. He plays Seth from Superbad but older and on drugs. Turns out he is married to his cousin, which isn’t that funny. Then they take loads of drugs and get rich. I feel like this movie exists as a vehicle to talk about qualudes because they haven’t had enough coverage.
Then Leo takes loads of drugs and they have sex with loads of prostitutes. Leo gets married to a blonde instead of a brunette and he buys her loads of stuff.
Then the FBI get involved. The guy from the FBI seems familliar to me, but after looking at his Wikipedia it turns out that he actually isn’t that famous. He was in Argo, which wasn’t that good but it won an Academy Award so hey great for those guys. Anyway, he shows up and investigates them and they sit on a boat and talk bollocks and then he fucks off.
We’re basically no where here. This movie is just a series of moronic scenes pasted together with qualudes and prostitutes. A large part of this movie involves Leo hosting company meetings. Like I want to go to the cinema to watch a company meeting.
Moving on, Joanna Lumley shows up and Leo kind of tries to bang her which is just weird and not very funny. Turns out Joanna Lumley isn’t that good an actor and Ab Fab was her only good role. That and Gurkahs.
Then he decides to “cut a deal” with the SEC and then he decides not to because he really enjoys a company meeting. There is also a company meeting with Steve Madden who isn’t famous in the UK at all so that bombed.
Anyway, long and short of it is, nothing really happens, he goes to prison obviously and then at the end he gives a motivational talk just like in the Basketball Diaries. Then the film ends. Weird because the film is fucking five hours long. How did they manage that? I hated it.
Overall score: 3.8/10