This is going to be one of my more challenging reviews, largely because I can't really remember any of the movie but I'm going to try to piece things together and give you a decent overview anyway.

The film begins with Bruce Wayne hiding in his room for 8 years. No one can see him except for Michael Caine. Someone in the film makes a joke about him collecting jars of his own urine, which I'm assuming is a reference to The Aviator. I think that this is a real low blow. The Aviator was great and has loads of stuff you can quote or impersonate. You don't get any of that in Batman.

So anyway, some woman who is pretending to be a waitress tries to steal Bruce Wayne's fingerprints and his mother's necklace. She succeeds. Bruce Wayne goes way less ballistic than expected. Turns out the woman is Catwoman but I didn't pick this up until someone told me afterwards. I think her day job is pimp but can't really tell.

Then we see Bane, who is great. He is essentially a guy from the Middle East but has a very posh accent. He sounds like Krang from Turtles.

He is quite muscular and beats up Batman and then banishes him to this weird prison that you can just climb out of. Then Bruce Wayne does some press-ups and climbs out of it.

Then Tommy from 3rd Rock crops up again and walks around a bit and becomes a detective. Then he chats to some kids and walks around some more.

Then we get near the end and it turns out that one of the characters that I didn't even notice is actually a bad guy. She dies (spoiler). Bane dies? Or does he? Dunno.

Then Batman blows himself up and goes on holiday with Michael Caine. Tommy from 3rd Rock turns into Robin from the old comics and movies. No sign of Katie Holmes. The chap from 28 Days Later becomes a judge and makes people walk on the ice and die. But then the guy with the moustache manages not to die on the ice.

That's all I remember from the movie. It was really terrible. I pretty much told you what happens in the paragraphs above but it took around 3 HOURS! It was ridiculous.

I got really cold in the cinema as well and ate too much popcorn. Felt like I wasted the day.

Overall score: 1.2/10


London 2012 Olympic Opening Ceremony

The 2012 Olympics started the other day and to celebrate they got the guy who directed 28 Days Later to curate the opening ceremony. I have to confess I didn’t actually watch it live and only picked it up via BBC iPlayer clips and also the odd GIF here and there. I know it seems a bit weird to write a review of something you haven’t experienced properly but whatever. I just want to have fun.

Anyway, they opened the whole thing with a bunch of kids singing while people pretended to play cricket on grass. Then they got Brunel to stand around and recite some Shakespeare. Then the INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION happened, which looked basically the same as when Saruman went mental in Lord of the Rings and got all the orcs to destroy Isengard.

Then later they got Mr Bean to do some visual comedy. I was never a fan of Mr Bean but I liked Blackadder 1 - which was basically Mr Bean but in the old days and with talking and Brian Blessed.

In between Isengard and Bean they also did this thing where the Olympic rings FLEW IN and started sparking hella crazy. Wasn’t bad actually.

Later on they did a tribute to the NHS by getting loads of sick children to jump on beds that had been retrofitted as trampolines. It sounds better than it was.

Then they did this weird thing where a girl loses her phone and has to travel from 1960 to 2012 via music to find it. She snogs someone at the end (spoiler!). Dizzee Rascal also performs.

Sir Tim Berners-Lee

Then we get to the best thing to happen possibly ever. They decided to get a camera and have it pan around Sir Tim Berners-Lee while he invents the internet and dances. Note on attention to detail: he is using a NeXT computer to do this. Someone mentioned this to me on Facebook and I pretended that I noticed but actually I was lying. 1–0 to me!

So then they did this thing where someone sang Abide With Me solemnly while people danced really dramatically. This was definitely the worst bit because it was like Olympic Opening Ceremonies in other boring countries. You could definitely picture this kind of thing in Sydney 2000 - no offence Australians (haw haw!).

Then we saw the obligatory Paul McCartney performance and Seb Coe and the guy from the IOC spoke for a while. The athletes then went on parade and the United States had Ralph Lauren outfits and looked incredible.

Overall, probably the best thing I’ve seen this year. I hope they release this on Blu-Ray so I can watch it anytime in HD at my leisure on my 37 inch LED side-lit 1080p TV.

Overall score: 9.7/10


Moonrise Kingdom

I went to see Moonrise Kingdom. It was another of those Wes Anderson movies with kids in. A bit like Rushmore but with more kids and maybe younger.

The kids go to this summer camp in the 1960s, which doesn’t really resonate with me because we don’t go to summer camp in the UK. Or anywhere else in the world I think. Don’t quote me on that, I couldn’t be bothered to do any research on it.

Anyway, this one kids runs away because he wants to nail a female teen/tween, who parades in her underwear and is quite frankly jailbait. Pretty chill.

So the guy from American History X, Bruce Willis and Bill Murray are in it. I guess that’s all there is to say about those three though. Tilda Swinton wears a hat in it, which seems to denote that she works for the Department for Children Stuff. But I don’t think it works like that.

Anyway I sat though the movie but some guy kept laughing all through it, which threw me off. Basically nothing happened and I didn’t really identify with any of the characters. Bruce Willis adopts the main kid in the end. Sorry to spoil it for you.

Overall score: 5.5/10