Hey fellas. I went to the cinema last night to see Mr Turner. I had recently checked the reviews of it in the mainstream press and it seemed like a lot of those guys really enjoyed the movie. It got FIVE OUT OF FIVE STARS in The Times and FOUR OUT OF FIVE STARS in The Guardian. Even the Speccie said it was great. I had pretty high expectations for this movie.
First thing to note is that when you go to see this movie, the adverts beforehand are definitely targeted towards middle class people. They had the trailer for that film about Alan Turing (which looks incredible) and also a bunch of adverts of VW cars and even an advert to go and see a Turner exhibition. All pretty Normcore.
Anyway, the film begins in the Netherlands. We are looking at some windmills and then some maids walk by and then we see a guy in a top hat scribbling stuff in the notebook. Then the guy comes back to London and it turns out that he is Peter Pettigrew from the Harry Potter flicks. He gets home and grabs his maid's crotch then nothing happens. I wasn't sure if this guy was Turner or not, but (spoiler) turns out it is.
Then we meet his dad, who had grey curly hair and was previously a barber. Big whoop. Him and Turner quite like each other but they both have really bad breathing problems. Turner also seems to have daughters and he absolutely hates their mother. This part of the film made no sense to me. I had no idea what their relationship was all about so I didn't really care. Pretty annoying. One of his daughters dies but he doesn't seem to mind.
Then the dad dies, and Turner has sex with his maid. She had a bit of a rash on her neck. Watch out for that guys!
Then Turner travels around and has weird conversations with everyone. He lends Benjamin Haydon £50, and is a bit rude to him. The guy seems nice enough but whatever. There is also this scene where Turner and Constable meet and are all shitty towards each other. Everyone in the cinema laughed at this. How did they know what kind of relationship Turner and Constable had? I'm guessing they didn't and just did a knowing laugh to seem clever to the people they were sitting with.
Turner also does this thing where he travels to Margate a few times and gets all cosy with some woman who operates a B&B. She is married the first time he visits but then when he visits again the husband is dead so he is cool to move in. Leery bugger.
Hmm then that maid I mentioned gets really rashy. We are talking massive face rash. No explanation around what is wrong with her though. Guess that is just the old days? Dunno.
Some guy who makes (non-Parker) pen-nibs offers Turner £100,000 for all his paintings. Turner tells him to bugger off. He says that he is going to give his paintings to The Nation for £0. I'm not sure what the point of this scene was.
Then Turner gets on the mast of a ship in the snow/rain/cold and gets bronchitis off the back of it. Stupid bugger. Then he meets this bald doctor with a beard who love him.
Then Turner gets really ill and tries to sketch some dead girl but then isn't really able to due to ill health so then he goes inside and dies. There's also a scene where he learns about photography and also one where he hangs out with this weird Scottish woman and looks at a prism.
This review might seem a tad rambling but this was honestly how it felt to watch the movie. All Turner ever does is grunt and snort and look miserable. He walks around talking nonsense with people and acts a bit weird. I think we are meant to think he is a GENIUS because he is a cock, but I feel like he could have been slightly less weird and still done some interesting seascapes.
Didn't really follow the plot very well. It looked nice in parts but ultimately this film is middle-class fluff intended to make people feel more intelligent than they actually are (myself included). Would recommend getting the DVD of Despicable Me 2 instead.
Overall score: 4.1/10